I sometimes hear from wives who are not only dealing with their own conflicted feelings about their husbands after their affair, but are also dealing with their children’s feelings. Sometimes there is no way to shield or protect your children from what is happening.
I heard a wife say, “My husband had an affair last year. For a while, he wasn’t sure he wanted to break up with the other woman. In fact, for a couple of weeks, he left our house and went to live.” with her. He and the other woman broke up pretty quickly though and then he called me begging me to come home and asking if I’d take him back. I told him I’d listen to him but I couldn’t. ‘t make any promises because a lot of damage has been done to our marriage. However, once he moved back home, he realized that he didn’t need to make up with me, he also had some serious making up with our children. They are furious with his father. They are very disrespectful to him and half the time, they leave as soon as he walks into a room. This angers my husband, but my son told me that he and his brothers no longer respect a man who could leave his family. I understand why you feel that way, but my husband is losing his temper and I want to try to save my marriage. What I can do?”
I must admit that, in my opinion, the person who was most at fault here was the husband. Children were entitled to their opinion, especially since they were directly affected by their father’s behavior. However, for her family to have a chance to heal, they would all have to learn to respect one another. I will offer some tips for this in the following article.
Make sure your husband understands that he needs to earn everyone’s respect after his affair: I understand the wife wanted her children to back off a bit because they were impeding her ability to save their marriage as her husband was very frustrated by the children’s behavior. However, the children’s feelings were absolutely understandable. They had to sit and watch as their father left them and their home for a woman who was essentially a stranger to them. And, after her father declared her undying love for this strange woman, he broke up with her just a couple of weeks later. How are children supposed to respect this kind of silly and immature behavior? This does not mean that the husband will not be able to regain her respect in time. And it is important that the husband gives them the opportunity to do just that, which I will talk about now.
Make sure everyone knows the difference between not respecting a person’s behavior and not respecting the person who did the behavior: I often tell people who are trying to recover from an affair that one thing that will help them in this process is being able to separate the person from their act. In other words, it’s okay to hate the act of having an affair. But this is very different from hating your husband. You can hate the act, but once the rehabilitation process is complete, you shouldn’t hate the person.
The same goes for respect. Of course the children (and the wife) did not respect her husband’s behavior or her actions, but that did not mean that they should no longer respect him as a person. Because the truth was, despite this bad decision and this horrible choice, his record as a person, a husband, and a father had been a good one.
Before the affair, he was a loving husband and devoted father and had always been there for his family. So a decision didn’t nullify all the good things he had done. It was important that everyone remember this.
How to deal with it when the kids don’t respect their dad after the affair: First, you can talk to your husband and reassure him that even though you will talk to the children, he needs to understand that they are having a strong reaction because his behaviors feel like a big rejection and betrayal to them. She asks her to be patient while she tries to win back her respect.
As for the children, the wife may want to say something like: “I completely understand why you are angry with your father. I am hurt and angry too. But at the same time, I want to give us a chance to be a family again. So I ask that you try to give him a chance to win back your respect. You don’t have to respect what he did. I don’t respect that either. But he is still your father and has a long history of very loving and trustworthy behavior. I respect your feelings and don’t I’m asking you to lie or pretend to feel something you don’t feel. But I’m asking you to consider being angry at the act and not at the man. And I’m asking you to at least give your father a chance to make it up to us for this. Can you do is that for your family?
Be respectful and patient with your children’s responses. Understand that they are also grieving and dealing with the loss. And there is a good chance that, in time, they will realize that their father is being sincere when he says that he will make it up to them.
Frankly, recovery takes time. And those who have been lied to need to be shown (over time) that it is safe to offer their respect and trust again.
