Dating is a time to meet a person with whom you plan to spend the rest of your life. Someone described it as ‘the process of feeling your way into another’s mind’.
In Victorian times, courtship was an established ritual. The future groom would ask the girl’s parents for permission to woo her daughter. The girl was often accompanied by an older woman, who made sure that moral codes were not flaunted and that etiquette rules were upheld. The courtship could not continue indefinitely, but lasted between three and six months.
In many Eastern societies, parents or relatives arrange marriages. There is no courtship period. The guy and the girl are practically strangers when they get married.
The animal world also has its courtship rituals. The male selects a mate for the sole purpose of mating. He dances or plays or shows her beauty or prowess in the fight to impress the woman. But it is his prerogative to accept or reject his proposals.
There is a difference between courtship and courtship. Dating is friendship with no strings attached. It does not require a long-term commitment and does not have to lead to marriage. It is a casual social activity for a limited period of time and is not limited to one person.
Young people today regard this premarital interlude as a private matter between two people contemplating marriage. Their focus is on learning from each other, on interpersonal relationships, fellowship and the joy of sharing their lives. They can meet and talk face to face or by phone or email. There may be exchange of letters and SMS. They go out together to eat or to the movies or participate in some mutually acceptable activity. The exchange of gifts, flowers or tokens of affection will enhance your relationship.
However, many young people rush into marriage without understanding its meaning. Fueled by myths, romantic ideas and expectations, they are convinced that marriage is ‘living happily ever after’. This is a sure recipe for frustration. Romance is exciting and invigorating, but it has a short shelf life. For marriage to be exciting and invigorating, it’s important to demystify romance and get your priorities right. Couples need to get rid of the myth that marriage is a long honeymoon and clarify their expectations. The choice of a life partner should not be taken lightly.
Rod McKeun says, “A soul mate is someone who knows the song of your heart and can sing it to you when you’ve forgotten the words.”
Compatibility between partners is therefore of primary importance.
• Know each other’s background: Are there big differences in social status and lifestyles? Is there a willingness on both sides to make some adjustments?
• Matching Minds: Do you have matching temperaments or disagree on many issues? Is there respect for the other?
• Moral commitments: Do you believe in the fidelity and permanence of marriage? Are you willing to work hard to keep your marriage intact?
• Religious beliefs: Will religious differences work against your marriage?
• Respect for the separation of the other: Khalil Gibran has valuable advice for those contemplating marriage. “Let there be spaces in your union and let the winds of heaven dance between you. Stay together but not too close together, for the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak and the cypress do not grow in each other’s shadow.”
• Accommodation: Is the man willing to let his wife look for a job? Is the woman willing to give up her professional activity for family life if necessary? A balance needs to be struck between dependency and independence.
Communication should be easy and free. This will allow partners to learn about each other’s likes and dislikes, quirks and likes.
• Verbalize individual needs and concerns
• Be open about shortcomings like laziness, procrastination, temper. Discuss secret addictions or form romantic relationships.
• Show your positive attributes like creativity, diligence, integrity, compassion.
• Discuss important topics such as sex, children, family relationships, in-laws, contraception.
• Finances – one’s attitude towards money, extravagant or miserly, hoarder or spendthrift?
• Diseases – Any chronic or contagious diseases? Genetic disorders? Mental illness?
Communication should be both verbal and non-verbal as in body language and behavior. Is your partner honest, understanding, friendly, and trustworthy?
Mutual commitment is a step of faith. When it is mutual, it will strengthen the marriage bond. Both must be willing to give up certain freedoms and take on new obligations when necessary. If one of the partners is suffering from commitment anxiety, she needs to be addressed. When the desire to build a life together is serious, anxiety gives way to trust.
“The ability of spouses to change enough to meet each other’s minimal needs” will ensure the longevity of the marriage, advises Dr. Jack Donavon.
Social, moral, and spiritual guidelines must be formulated on which the relationship can be built. This also requires commitment from both partners.
There is little point in building a future together if two personalities are incompatible, if communication between them is not free and easy, and if they are not willing to commit to a life of fidelity. It is always wise to prayerfully discover if it is God’s will for you to marry the person of His choosing.
“Don’t choose your friends by their outward appearance, because feathers float high and pearls low,” says Alexander Pope of friendship. It could well apply to the choice of life partners.
