A few weeks after our family reunion in Moloka’i in July 2009, my niece Francine went to the doctor for a routine treadmill test. Two days later, she was on the operating table for massive open-heart surgery. After nearly six hours of surgery, where her heart was stopped for repair (with the help of a bypass machine), I was allowed into the ICU to see her. She was still semiconscious, but she held my hand as I stood by her bed. She squeezed him as hard as she could, sending me the message that she was fine and that the ordeal of surgery was not going to crush her spirit. Her courage was truly inspiring.
In the weeks that followed, she adjusted to the new lifestyle and diet of an open-heart surgery survivor. Like her survivor of her thyroid cancer five years earlier, she faithfully followed her doctors’ orders, happy to have the chance to get on with her life despite physical setbacks. But six months after her heart surgery, the cancer returned, this time more severe. Rectal cancer is one of the most painful cancers and usually requires a colostomy, where an opening is made to the colon through the front of the abdomen, where stool is passed into a bag.
Another successful surgery, another new lifestyle change. Undeterred, in a matter of weeks, she is fully functioning again, determined to be involved in the lives of her four children and her devoted husband, Steve. Because rectal cancer is known to spread to other parts of her body, her doctors decide to put her through six months of grueling chemotherapy. Francine takes it like a “soldier”, always with a smile on her face and a cheerful disposition. She looks forward to returning to work when she is finished. She takes the last treatment during the holidays and just after the New Year (2011), the doctors give her a report on her progress.
But the news is not good. Despite aggressive chemotherapy, a significant tumor has formed in his lung. His doctor says they can continue chemotherapy to slow the progress of the tumor, but there is nothing they can do to cure her. This is devastating news for all of us. We run the full gamut of emotions: angry, sad, fearful, depressed. She calls each person who is close to her and we share a moment together. She gives us the freedom to give our opinion and listens carefully to our thoughts. But we are clearly stunned. We lack words and direction. We wait for Francine to recover because we are going to follow her example.
At 47, she is the oldest of the grandchildren. She is mature beyond her years and her trademark has been love and compassion fueled by boundless energy. She has been blessed with a loving husband and partner and together they have overcome all kinds of adversity to raise four fabulous young adults (ages 17-24) in a home so close that they routinely choose to hang out together over partying with his friends. Francine has been able to bring happiness and joy to others simply by focusing on what she “has” and not lamenting what she doesn’t have. She spreads her “attitude of gratitude” to everyone because she has been graced with that gift regardless of her circumstances.
You know the odds and the reality of your situation, but you choose to be grateful. She is grateful that she understands that happiness in life is connected to seeing and appreciating the gifts that are part of our daily lives. That’s a universal “given” that most people understand. The piece that Francine has that most people don’t is that she is willing to change her perspective to see the gift. When cancer took her thyroid, she agreed to take medication for the rest of her life. When open heart surgery changed her lifestyle, she embraced it instead of resisting it. When rectal cancer burdened her with a colostomy bag, she bought a new wardrobe. When lung cancer threatens to kill her, she planted a garden. Her perception is reality and that allows her to live every day as the richest person on the planet.
You will never find a grateful person who is unhappy. And you will never find a peaceful person who is unable to accept the reality of his life.
The happiest people live in gratitude and go with the flow.
