No matter how well you have assimilated and practiced the tantra lessons given by your tantra teacher, you will find that there are times when the sexual energy does not match. In other words, the cycles of your own sexual desire and that of your intimate partner will not always be in perfect synchronization. This is perfectly natural and serves its own purpose, but it can be a source of confusion and disappointment for many.
Tantra does not promise that students of the tantric arts will become sexual dynamos, ready to rev up and generate erotic energy in the blink of an eye. In fact, tantra perfectly adheres to the immutable laws of nature that govern our existence. These laws require periods of abstinence from sexual encounters for various reasons: regeneration, a greater need for meditation, the “spaces in their union” that Kahlil Gibran so wisely defends, etc.
As a tantra teacher, I am often forced to explain to my students the need for occasional abstinence from sexual activity. No two human beings will ever be perfectly in tune with each other, because each human being is a unique expression of the Divine. The god of tantra and the goddess of tantra are divine beings, but they are very much subject to the natural ebbs and flows of tantric energy. The goal of any tantra teacher is not to overcome these inalienable rules, but to bring his students to tune with them.
So what can you do if your desire is overflowing but your partner’s seems to be ebbing? There are, in fact, several options that ancient tantra advocates at the moment. First of all, be aware of what you are really feeling. The simple need to touch and be together is often misunderstood as sexual desire. This is especially true for men; women tend to be more in touch with their feelings and invariably know the difference.
If all you’re really looking for is physical contact and bonding, there’s almost never going to be a time when your intimate partner isn’t committed to giving it to you. Don’t underestimate the power of simple hugs, which is a greatly underrated bonding tool. If you really feel sexual desire while your partner doesn’t, you should be able to ask him for seemingly one-sided solutions, such as oral or manual pleasure. This is not an imposition and you would be surprised at the goodwill with which it will be provided in most circumstances.
Self-gratification is also a perfectly acceptable method of quelling unrequited sexual desire. Hopefully, your tantra teacher would have helped you unlearn the irrational biases that have prevented you from using this route whenever you need to.
Finally, erotic energy mismatch can be the result of overt or hidden conflict between you and your intimate partner. In such a case, you should not expect him or her to feel exactly like you. Conflict between intimate partners, while natural, must be resolved as soon as possible because it represents an imbalance, a spiritual disharmony, between two essentially divine beings. The resolution of such a conflict is a separate study matter which I will write about at a later date.
