My daughter Patricia is starting her first experiences with elementary school and her first experiences at the school of hard knocks. When she was a child, her birthdays were quite low-key. Typically, a party consisted of a group of children going to a friend’s house, running around their yard, eating cake, and singing Happy Birthday. Today, I’m learning that there is this whole “birthday party scandal.” Birthdays have become over-commercialized and parents are forced to break the bank with themed parties in expensive venues. And of course, when her son sees that everyone else is having a party, he wants one too.
When my daughter was in preschool and kindergarten, it was nothing to invite the whole class, or at least all the girls or all the boys. But as kids progress through elementary school, the parties start to wind down and kids have to make decisions about who to invite and who not to.
I guess it had to happen: Patricia had her first experience being the outsider. She wasn’t invited to a party by someone she considered a good friend. This girl is in her class, she lives down the street, she often plays in our house, and my husband and I have socialized with her parents. Apparently, they didn’t train her very well to keep the party a secret from her. She proceeds to tell my daughter that she is going to the movies for her birthday and that she can only invite four friends. My daughter was not one of them. My daughter told me and I didn’t believe her. I thought there was some mistake. Surely this girl we considered a good friend wouldn’t leave her out on purpose. Her mother wouldn’t allow that, would she? Mistaken.
The invitation never came.
I racked my brains:
Could it be that the children do not get along?
No, they get along very well, when they play, there are no fights and it’s all smiles and laughter.
It’s me?
I doubt it, after all, I seem to be good enough to take care of their children and walk them to the bus stop when they need me.
My daughter was upset for a few days but she got over it quickly, it’s not her nature to stay upset, she has a happy disposition. But I? Uhhh… As much as I’d like to consider myself a step above all this petty, trivial kid stuff, I’m a little angry and disappointed. Okay, it’s just a birthday party, it’s just a movie, not a big deal. My daughter doesn’t even like to sit down to watch movies (and what a bad idea for a party anyway) So why do I care?
Well… I guess that’s my problem – maybe it’s some of my old insecurities at play here. Being left out hurts, no matter how old you are. They didn’t just snub my daughter, they snubbed me. This neighbor of mine didn’t think enough of any of us to be in one of the top four spots (and even then, she could have made room for one more). She would never exclude her daughter. I know not every kid can have a big party every year, but excluding someone who’s closer than some of the other guests is hard to swallow.
So what is to be done?
Should I ask why she wasn’t invited?
No. It’s your party, you can invite whoever you want. A “pity” invitation would be humiliating, even if I offered to pay for your trip.
Should I play dumb and make an offhand comment to them at the bus stop: “Hey, isn’t it your birthday this month? Are you doing something special??”
No, that just puts the kid in a bind. Also, I’m not one to make people squirm, even if they deserve it.
Should I cut ties with these people I thought were our friends?
No, that will only cause more bad feelings and may hurt my daughter in the end. Children enjoy playing with each other. Why take that away from them when it was really the parents’ fault for planning a party that only a few kids can attend?
So what did I do? Well basically nothing. I’m not a confrontational person (I’ve never seen a “confrontation” have a happy ending). However, it turns out that this girl and my daughter asked to have a play date shortly before the party. I happily agreed and arranged for her to come to our house and they laughed and laughed the whole time.
In the end, we never get the invitation, but perhaps in a very innocent way, by having this most recent playdate, we make the point with the mother ultimately making all the decisions for her son. I now understand that we may have had different perceptions and expectations of our friendship. Perhaps the neighbors have a slightly lower status on the social scale. To them, we were casual acquaintances, not good friends. Perhaps our “friendship” is based more on geography than anything else.
Since this all happened in December, I told my daughter she could invite some friends over to decorate cookies and gingerbread for the holidays. I told her to invite some kids she hadn’t had before. I guess this taught me that children and adults need to have a wide social circle. I’m not trying to exclude our neighbor on purpose, I’m just trying to encourage my daughter to make new friends so that these unavoidable situations are a little less of a big deal.
My advice on birthday parties? If you’re hosting the party, don’t put your child in a position to choose some and exclude others. Plan a party at your house, have some games, let them dance to some music, and keep it simple. These elaborate parties in expensive venues only stress parents out, cost a lot of money, and can force kids to make hurtful and exclusionary decisions about who to invite. If you’re the one not invited, plan a fun activity on or around the day of the party. Maybe invite a friend or two and never talk about it again.
So, am I going to invite this neighbor to our next party? your bet Two wrongs do not make a right.
When the invitation never comes
My son is not invited
