Relationship conflicts can be a creative force. Conflict occurs in healthy, dynamic partnerships: it’s like relationship growing pains. (Remember how much your muscles ached when your body was growing? The discomfort of conflict could be the relationship’s way of making room for where it wants to grow next.) Differences are not a death sentence. What is more important than getting rid of conflict is managing conflict in relationships. That is where a coach can help by creating a safe space to work together, not on who is wrong but on what is possible, what is wanted, what is emerging.
how are they going to be together in the face of this conflict is almost always more important than the conflict itself. According to research by John Gottman PhD, 69% of all marital problems are perpetual. This is as true in the happiest of marriages as it is in the unhappiest. The place to focus your attention is not on eliminating conflict but on how you relate to your differences. This, according to Gottman’s research, is what distinguished marriages that stayed together from those that fell apart.
This is what John Gottman recommends:
1) Increase overall positivity, say a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. These interactions don’t have to be big business. Just a “hello” or a kiss on the cheek or sharing the newspaper…
2) Increase positivity in conflict. Loving humor, reassuring the other, making complaints slowly and respectfully instead of blowing up…
3) Decrease the negativity in the conflict, especially blame, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, what Gottman calls the “four horsemen of the Apocalypse.” When you find yourself flooded with emotions like anger or panic, take a break.
Here’s a hint on how to tell if you’re falling into one of these horsemanship behaviors: If you see your partner adopting one of these horsemanship stances, you probably are too! They almost always travel in pairs. One person blames, the other person is defensive or blocks.
You get the picture? When you find this happening, respect your own behavior. If you can’t do that, at least take a break.
Triple A Relationship Rescue Formula
My program to promote healthy, collaborative and positive relationships focuses on these three skills:
Appreciation loops. Nothing lifts and maintains positivity better. The more you express what you appreciate about each other, the more your relationship will give you things to appreciate.
Alignment. Find common ground, work as a team, even in the conflict itself. This is where a trained coach can help you gain a new perspective.
Agreement. Design the relationship and build trust throughout the process.
A relationship is a growing and dynamic entity, constantly stretching into uncharted territory. That’s why you never get it “right”. Your relationship is always changing, like a liquid, to fill all the spaces of possibility.
