An extended family is quite a test and many adjustments would be required. Special care is needed with stepchildren to prevent offenses, which can make cohabitation a very difficult situation.
Dealing with stepchildren is hard on its own and if your parents always take your side, things can really get out of hand. I think the reason one parent sides with the kids is because the other parent isn’t around. He might feel responsible for it in some way or he might feel powerless to prevent the other Parent’s absence, as in a case of death, so he might overindulge the Child or Children. No matter what his reason is, it’s still not a reason for him to neglect us.
I am in an extended family and this was a problem in my house. My Husband would take his Children’s side over me. He said it wasn’t true, but I could see that it was and it really caused some problems between us. At one point I was thinking about getting a divorce because I was not willing to stay in a relationship where the children were in charge. Then the Lord spoke to me and told me to affirm myself.
There is an order by which a relationship should go. God must be first, then the Husband or the Wife and then the Children. No child should precede the spouse. If so, there will surely be tension in the marriage.
As I said, the Lord told me to assert myself. I started defending myself as a wife. I prepared for disagreement by focusing on what was right. I talked to my husband calmly and pointed out the areas where he had taken his children’s side over mine. Everything went well at first, however this is a process and it takes time to undo, especially when a habit has been formed. Therefore, whenever she saw it happen again, she would bring it to his attention. It didn’t always go well for me, but I didn’t back down because I had the word of God sustaining me.
It’s easy to resent the Children in situations like this, but it’s not the right thing to do. I continued to treat them well and with respect to maintain a good relationship with them, but also let them know and show them that I was in charge because I am an adult.
My husband is a professional trucker and is often away from home, which means the kids and I were home. At first they thought they wouldn’t have to do what I asked them to but I agreed with them. I would like to say what I said, if I promise to do something for them, I would. I spoke to them respectfully and told them the right thing. If they were wrong, he would let them know, and above all, he was not afraid of them or what they would say to his father. They soon got my message about who was in charge and now they are less likely to go over my head with their father.
My husband has sided with his children over me, but when I do talk about it with him it’s in private. I don’t want the Children to use it in his favor. In some cases, children will not like their stepfather and if they know that their father will always take their side, they will surely use it to hurt the stepfather. That is why the discussion should be private.
We must give our Husband the opportunity to change things with his Children. We should not expect it to happen overnight because there is a link between them. You need time to find a way to deal with them. It shouldn’t take long because that would mean he’s not trying to change things, but if we see little things happening that haven’t happened before, that’s an indication that he’s trying to figure it out. One important thing to look for is these little simple words; let me talk to you first. That indicates that our Spouse cares about us and he doesn’t just agree to what he wants without asking our opinion.
This process can take a while, but the main thing is to remember that we are the Spouse and we are ahead of the Children. If we need to assert ourselves, do so because it will make the relationship so much better.
