Why do so many of us constantly end up in the same bad relationships? Some women even claim that it’s like they keep dating the same bad boy over and over again. Is there something wrong with your selection process? Not quite, but it’s not as simple as you might think.
How do we go about choosing our relationships and how much choice is really involved? Some might say that we all have certain qualities and attributes that we look for in members of the opposite sex and based on those things we decide who is the right person for us. But is it really that simple? Is the process of attraction and mate selection so logical and straightforward? If it was, why would so many people be wrong? Why do so many people seem to choose the wrong person, or worse yet, choose the wrong person over and over again? It is clearly more complicated than simple free choice.
Freud believed that our mothers and fathers have a lot to do with who we are ultimately attracted to. He may have heard the saying, “we marry our fathers and mothers.” It sounds a bit strange, but studies have shown that men have a preference for women who not only remind them of their mothers but also look like them. The same is true for women and their parents. Of course, this is not always the case, and I am not suggesting that every girl can draw a straight line from her husband to her father. In fact, sometimes the opposite happens; sometimes a girl may marry a man who is the complete opposite of her father. But the point is that parental influence often plays a role in our relationships with members of the opposite sex.
Imagine for a moment a girl, let’s call her Suzie. Suppose that from the time she was born, Suzie’s father pampered her and indulged her every whim. Suzie’s father was very loving and made her feel that she was the most wonderful girl in the world. All things being equal, there is a very good chance that young Suzie will grow up with a very good sense of “self-worth,” not to mention a sense of entitlement.
Suzie’s relationship with the first man in her life, her father, will become the blueprint for all future relationships Suzie will have with members of the opposite sex. According to this theory, it would only make sense for Suzie to expect men to please her, pamper her, and treat her with dignity and respect, just as her father did.
But what if young Suzie didn’t have such a positive experience with her dad? Let’s just say Dad didn’t pay much attention to her little girl. Perhaps the father was often critical of his daughter or even mean and abusive. What kind of self-esteem is Suzie likely to grow up with then? There is a very good chance that Suzie will grow up not thinking very highly of herself. After all, if the first man in Suzie’s life, her father, didn’t treat her with dignity and respect, why should she believe otherwise about herself? And furthermore, why would Suzie expect to be treated with dignity and respect by any other man?
Of course, all of the same things hold true for young children and their relationships with their mothers. The bond between a mother and a child, particularly a male child, is perhaps one of the strongest of all human bonds.
So it would seem that our relationships with our parents certainly come into play when we are looking for a mate. Parents who provide children with positive self-esteem and feelings of self-worth convey that to their children, just as parents who knowingly or unknowingly make their children feel “less than worthy” instill that belief. But those feelings don’t end with the kids. They become powerful forces in what we seek and feel comfortable with when it comes to our choice of partner. We cannot underestimate the power of “the familiar” when it comes to relationships. We are all drawn to the familiar.
One of my favorite quotes of all time goes something like, “In life we don’t get the person we want, we get the person we are.” So what are children who grow up with loving, supportive parents? They are people who love themselves and have a high opinion of themselves. They are also people who feel they deserve to be treated in a very special way. And “what are” the children who grow up with abusive parents without love? Most of the time they are people who do not have a very high self-esteem. And they often don’t believe they have the right to be treated like specials or servants.
So it would seem that relationships and mate selection are much more complicated than simply choosing the person who has the qualities we want. How much freedom of choice are we exercising when choosing a partner if we have already been unconsciously programmed from childhood to believe certain things about ourselves? It doesn’t matter if these things are true or false; the truth has nothing to do with it. That is one of the traps of childhood, we do not have the ability to question or challenge the things that we are told and taught to believe, we simply accept that they are true and move on. There is a tape recorder that resides in our subconscious child minds. It is running and recording all the time. It does not block out the bad and does not have the ability to distinguish truth from lies; record everything. And that tape is played over and over again in our minds when we become adults.
If all of this is true, it would certainly explain why an intelligent woman would be in a relationship with a verbally abusive man. She is only doing what she knows how to do. She is comfortable and “familiar” in the role of being verbally abused. This is her. Does she want to be verbally abused and disrespected? It doesn’t really matter what she wants. Remember, the quote “we don’t get what we want, we get what we are”.
It also explains why, despite previous bad experiences, some women end up with the same type of man over and over again. If you ask them why, they usually just blame bad luck or the fact that they made bad decisions. What they don’t realize is that they don’t really have many options.
This all sounds pretty depressing and hopeless, particularly for those who didn’t have very effective caring parents. So does this really mean that we are doomed to marry our parents? Certainly not.
Just knowing and acknowledging that this dynamic exists is the first step in breaking the cycle of bad relationships, or better yet, never getting into one in the first place. However, insight alone is not enough to accomplish this. Remember the quote I mentioned earlier, well there is a second part. He says, “If you want more, then you have to be willing to be more.” That means we are not doomed to continue the cycle. If you want more of a relationship, then you need to be more of yourself. What does that mean? It means that before you pursue a relationship, you need to recognize those aspects of yourself that lead you to make poor relationship decisions. Specifically your levels of self-esteem, self-esteem, and self-love. Only after you have sufficiently addressed and resolved these issues will you succeed in finding someone with whom you are satisfied.
The point is that everything starts from within. You have to reject the negative feelings and voices inside you and start from scratch. Remember that “recorder” I mentioned that plays in our minds? Well, very often it reproduces false information and lies, and those lies must be challenged and erased. Our internal recording must be examined and edited and those negative messages must be replaced with positive messages of self-love, approval and self-acceptance.
You must challenge every negative thought you have; everything you thought was true needs to be examined and questioned. If you think you’re stupid, then the challenge questions are: “How do I know I’m stupid?”, “Who said I’m stupid?”, “What proof do I have that I’m stupid?” If you think you’re a loser, then the questions are: “Who said I was a loser?”, “Just because someone called me a loser, is that true?”, “What proof is there that I’m a loser? ?” Am I a loser?” You get the idea.
I am not saying that the process will be easy or that changes will happen overnight. After all, many of the thoughts we think about ourselves date back to childhood. But with patience, determination and courage you can change your inner dialogue and increase your self-esteem and finally get the relationship you really deserve.
There are many effective techniques to achieve this. These include cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), the use of positive affirmations, and subliminal audio recordings.
