To learn how to reduce insecurity, you must first begin to understand your self-esteem. Self-confidence starts early in life. Low self-esteem is the product of your upbringing and life experiences and manifests in a loss of confidence, self-esteem, and self-confidence.
Feelings of insecurity are learned along our journey when you learn (incorrectly) through negative experiences to connect negative events with rejection.
For example, as a child, you learn to feel insecure if you are raised with caregivers who practice inconsistent parenting. This happens when your parents or guardians discipline inconsistently. This inconsistency is because parenting is mood dependent, rather than constantly based on particular rules, norms, or expectations.
At school, this inconsistency is regularly highlighted among friendships. Kids are going through so many hormonal and emotional changes at school that emotional reactions and hurt feelings happen every day, if not weekly. If you were taught to perceive these changes as merely emotional and not personal, your self-esteem would remain intact. However, children often internalize these daily rejections to mean that they are not liked or wanted. Even after kids put on their makeup (which also happens on a daily basis), they can still be scarred from possible rejection. The children then learn early how to ‘walk on eggshells’ to avoid being rejected again.
Examples of how self-doubt can manifest include the following:
– A close friend gets mad every time you have to say “no” to doing something with her, no matter the reason.
– Your partner yells at you every time they are too tired or stressed
– A mom in your moms group argues against every opinion you have about parenting.
– Someone close to you ignores you when you are in a group
– Your partner cheats on you, so you become paranoid, every partner will cheat on you in the future.
Reduce self-doubt and worries with the important people in your life
The above points highlight negative behaviors that can lead to the development of fear of rejection. Each of these examples highlights other people’s behaviors, which were incorrectly internalized as self-blame. However, this internalization was incorrect. The above examples would have been better internalized as external responses resulting from the other person’s personal problems. Let’s quickly go through each example:
A close friend gets angry
This is a reflection of your friend’s problems and has nothing to do with your behavior. You also have the right to say “no” when you’re busy.
your partner yells at you
Their moods are dictating their reactions towards you. Your mood is the problem, not your behavior.
A mom in your moms group argues against you
This is a reflection that the mother is intimidated by her opinions or insecure about her role within the group. You have the right to have an opinion different from hers.
Your close friend ignores you in a group
Either this is an oversight or the other person is overcompensating for their own insecurities or jealousy by focusing on those who may need more work to become close friends or family members.
Your x-partner cheats on you
This is a reflection of your partner x and has nothing to do with you. Regardless of what happens within the relationship, cheating is solely the fault of the person engaging in the behavior.
The 5 best responses to reduce anxiety with your partner
1. Rebuild your self-esteem to ensure you have the strength to cope when things go wrong and be resistant to negative experiences.
2. Honestly questioning whether someone’s behavior is a reflection of their problems (not yours).
3. Trust yourself and your instincts
4. Be open and honest with loved ones to express how you feel and challenge inappropriate behavior
5. Live in the world of facts, not perception. Therefore, you only act on your concerns when you are 100% sure that your judgment is correct (for example, ask if necessary before acting).
The most important thing is to believe that insecurity is not a healthy emotion and leads to negative and destructive behaviors. It’s not your fault that you feel this way, but as an adult you have a choice to continue to feed this or challenge it and win. By doing the latter, you will enrich your relationships, enhance your career, and live a much healthier, happier, and more successful life.
