We have all seen them on various sports websites: lists of the best professional sports teams, lists of the worst professional sports teams. If they’re not teams, they’re players: the best fantasy players, the worst key players. Lost among all these lists is the fact that if you only read the names of professional sports teams, you can learn a lot about the league.
In the United States, there are four major professional sports: football, baseball, basketball, and hockey. Hockey dominates the category of bad names with such scary nicknames as “The Senators”, “The Maple Leafs” and “The Ducks”. Senators? Really? Ooh, they can legislate me to death. The Maple Leaf may be a source of national pride in Canada, but it doesn’t strike fear into your opponent. And who’s afraid of a duck? They might as well have called themselves the Kittens of Anaheim.
The NFL is right, for the most part. Giants, Vikings, Buccaneers; these are scary. Bruins, Islanders, Canadians; these are not. Even if you break the list down into categories, the NFL still crushes the NHL on names. If you have to be named after a bird, choose an eagle or a hawk. The NBA snuck in with the Hawks, which is another good option. The NHL thing, the duck and the penguin. I’m not sure, but I think if an eagle came into contact with a duck and a penguin, he would probably eat the duck for breakfast and kill the penguin just for the exercise.
You can also learn a bit about an area by looking at a list of its professional sports teams in the different leagues. Boston has the Bruins, the Celtics, the Red Sox and the Patriots, all of the old school. Who knows what a Bruin or a Celtic is?
Florida, by contrast, does not have a long legacy in professional sports. The list of professional sports teams in Florida reflects more modern names; like Rays, Jaguars, Magic and Marlins. It should be noted that the one exception is Florida’s oldest established team: the Dolphins. If his name isn’t lame enough, check out his fight song. Sounds like something you’d hear at the old Mickey Mouse Club.
To be fair, most of the good names have been taken, so it’s probably harder to come up with a good team name. cowboys, Indians, raiders, rams; everything intimidating and powerful has already been used. The WNBA, which has only been around for a few years, is stuck with clunkers like “Dream,” “Sky” and “Lynx.”
So if you’re a billionaire with a lot of time on your hands looking to start a new franchise, what can you do? I suggest adding an adjective in front of an already used team name. If you like the name “Raiders”, you can be Red Raiders. If “Indians” are more your style, go with the rowdy Indians. Stick with what works – I just can’t see myself supporting the Albuquerque Puppies.
