Sometimes I hear from people who want their cheating spouse to feel some consequences for their actions. They want their spouse to feel guilt, shame, remorse, and grief. But, for whatever reason, they haven’t been able to get these answers. Your spouse continues to act defensive or outraged or tries to put the blame. As a result, they look for ways to entice their spouse to feel the guilty emotions that they should naturally feel.
Someone might say, “Honestly, my husband says he’s sorry for the affair, but his actions and behavior just don’t show it. Sometimes when we talk about how the affair has affected our family, I start to cry because I’m so upset about it. what he’s done. When I cry, he doesn’t try to comfort me. He just feels really uncomfortable and occasionally says that he wishes he could back down. When I ask him to reassure me, he is no longer looking at the other person, he replies that he is not sure what I want from him, since we are together most of the day. I want sincerity from him, but it doesn’t seem like I’m going to get it When I talk to my mother about this, she says the best thing I can do is be indifferent towards him. I should take care of the children and other things and then when I ignore him, he is going to fall in love. All himself to apologize and offer me reassurance. Is he right? “
I have seen this strategy work temporarily. But I’ve also seen it backfire in a big way. Why? Because when you pretend you don’t care, you are playing the same games as your husband and he could respond by shutting down. Or he could take his indifference as negligence, which in the minds of some husbands is a justification for cheating again. Whether this strategy works for you really depends on whether you want to save your marriage. If not, I see no harm in being indifferent. It won’t matter if you withdraw or retaliate or decide you don’t want to play. It doesn’t matter if he’s sincere either, but he retires because he thinks you don’t care.
But if you want to save your marriage, the goal is to rebuild a healthy marriage based on honesty. I know that honesty is probably the most important factor in recovery. I couldn’t bear my husband telling me the slightest white lie. I wanted to know the truth about everything. So when you pretend to be indifferent, that is really not being sincere at a time when you have to expect the absolute truth and when it is important to be transparent.
I know that all of this asks you to take the right path. But in my experience, the best way to get the behavior you want from him is to model it yourself. If you act nonchalantly, sometimes he will mirror your behavior and you will get two people who pretend they don’t care when in reality they both care a lot. All of this is a huge waste of time and can lead to misunderstandings, which can make things worse.
I think it’s possible to dismiss the high emotion of the situation without pretending that you just don’t care. For example, the next time you ask him to reassure him and he tells you that he is with you most of the day, you can try “and yet somehow that’s not enough. I really need you to reassure me that no I intend to see it, even if you had the time and the ability. I want to know that you are making the decisions that are going to strengthen our family. You may not be ready to give me that, but until I understand, I’m not sure we can heal us.
Then drop it. See what it will do. I know it feels awkward to have to spell it out. But once you do, it’s up to him. You are no longer tap dancing around him and hoping that he will rise to the occasion. You are telling you what you want and need and are giving you the choice of whether or not to deliver on it.
If you are not in counseling or using very good self help, I highly recommend it. Your plan to be indifferent is based on the fact that you are not getting what you want and need from him. A counselor or a good step-by-step guide would help you do this much easier and more efficiently than pretending or playing games. Since honesty is such an important part of recovering and restoring trust, I cannot advocate pretending. You don’t always have to show all your emotion. But I don’t think you want to lie and pretend you don’t care when you do it. Otherwise, you are just inviting him to do the same and recovery will be very difficult with two people who are faking it.
