It’s very normal to be hard on yourself after you’ve cheated on your spouse. You know that you have probably made the biggest mistake of your life and you are on the verge of self-hatred. Seeing the pain on your spouse’s face is like a dagger in your heart because you know that only you are responsible for this.
At the same time, you most want to make it up to your spouse in some way, but your self-loathing makes this extremely difficult. Because you see your spouse as someone who deserves much more than you can offer.
A spouse might explain it this way: “My husband is the best man imaginable. He is loyal, kind, sensitive, and sweet. I never thought I could have a man like this. And recently, I took him for granted by cheating on him.” in it with a man who is the complete opposite. The other man is direct and insensitive, the typical bad boy. I’m afraid he says something about my character that I think someone who doesn’t hold a candle to my husband in terms of character. The truth is that I never felt that he deserved my husband. I try to be a good person, but my nature is not like my husband’s. My husband is intrinsically good. I am not. I have to make an effort to be considerate. I have to try very hard to be polite. When my husband found out that he was cheating, in typical fashion, he told me that even though he was hurt, he would support me. I’m glad he’s not leaving. for me, but honestly, his loyalty almost makes it worse for me. It just keeps driving home the fact that I don’t deserve my love. sband and that I am not worthy of it. I want to be his wife. I want my marriage. But part of me feels like the right thing to do would be to let him go because he deserves so much better.”
Why your doubts leave you vulnerable: Before I get to the subject of whether or not you deserve your husband, I want to draw your attention to something very important. Low self-esteem and not feeling good enough are two big contributors and precursors to cheating. I hear from countless people who have been unfaithful to spouses they adored in the midst of strong marriages because they did not feel worthy and thus engaged in self-sabotage.
If you take nothing else from this article, understand that not addressing your feelings of worthlessness or unworthiness can leave you vulnerable to cheating again and may cause you to seek out partners you think are “more like me” since you don’t think you’re a person of such high quality as your spouse.
I believe that before you can fully address the issues in your marriage, you absolutely have to address the issues within your own mind: the feelings of worthlessness and being “less than.” I can’t tell you that having an affair wasn’t horrible, because you already know that.
The here and now: Instead of focusing on past damage, I think it’s better now to focus your attention on what you’re doing in the here and now. I’m not sure whether or not you deserve your husband is completely up to you. It’s also his marriage and if he wants it and feels like he’s getting something out of it, do you really want to question it?
To me, a better strategy is to work on yourself, your marriage, and your internal dialogue so that in a short period of time you can say with absolute certainty that you have become the wife he deserves. To me, that’s the best way to approach this.
Our opinions about ourselves can become self-fulfilling prophecies. And yet, you have a man who is willing to put up with you, so I strongly advise you not to sabotage this with self-loathing and self-loathing. Getting up and doing the work to become emotionally strong and have as much integrity of character as possible will help you have the self-confidence you need to know that you bring something to your marriage, too.
Are you dragging your past with you?: Many of us carry baggage from our childhood into our marriage. I suspect that might be what is going on here. But, by doing this, you’re making both your husband (and yourself) pay for something that happened a long time ago, something he’d be willing to bet was none of your fault.
Now, however, you are an adult. And you have the power to let go of the baggage of your past. Starting today, you can start becoming the person you want to be and the spouse you want your husband to have. The first step in doing so is to take a break. You made a mistake. But you’re serious about fixing it. And part of that is to stop seeing yourself as someone who isn’t good enough.
Yes, you have problems to deal with. And yes, you have made a bit of a mess. But the very fact that you recognize the problems and desperately want to improve them tells me that you have a higher degree of integrity than you think. Because people who are not really sorry for the infidelity and who do not want to be better people would not be reading this article.
