Has fear of the unknown frozen you so that you hesitate to make much-needed decisions? Or has thinking about the future and how you are going to cope without your loved one has brought you great anxiety? Fear of the unknown is one of the most common and most difficult grief-related problems to address.
Why is this so? Simply because uncertainty is an integral part of life that most ignore until we are forced to face it. So we have to take a stand when we are in an anxious frame of mind. The choice becomes: either learn to live one day at a time (maybe one minute at a time) or allow the unknown to fill us with paralyzing fear and freeze us. So what can we do to deal with fear of the future, the unknown?
1. Realize that taking risks is still a productive method of dealing with the unknown. Risk taking is at the heart of growth and progress. It involves new learning, sacrifices, and being open to the belief that failure is part of the learning curve; gives us new information to continue. Be willing to come out of your shell and start over and over again, even if you are hurting.
2. Recognize that millions before you, including myself, have learned to live with uncertainty. Psychotherapist Pauline Boss in Ambiguous Loss says, “Although our longing for certainty is normal, it is also natural to never find it.” The keyword is natural and can be lived with uncertainty, no matter how unpleasant it may be.
Living with it means that we have to keep experimenting to find ways to recognize that uncertainty is okay. At the same time, we make and execute plans to manage it (as mentioned above, new learning is the key). Then when one approach doesn’t work, try another.
3. Focus your attention more on the present and less on the future. This certainly requires a concerted effort. But it can be done and it is a crucial strategy. Focus and take care of immediate needs. And when you feel the downward spiral of thinking the worst about what awaits you, refocus your attention on something healthy in the present.
Become an expert at refocusing and embrace it as a skill for life. Trust those you are close to. It’s okay to lean on them and share your fear and ask for advice. Take it, if it suits you. Let it go for further consideration, if not.
The key understanding is to take action after assessing the dynamics of the situation and consulting with those who have input that could be helpful to your plan. The latter can greatly help allay fears, so seek out the wise and experienced, even if you have to pay an expert for advice.
The most consistent suggestion that comes from counselors of all types is: face your fears based on uncertainty. Don’t let them immobilize you. Remember, there will always be times when you don’t know, it’s inescapable. However, the good news is that the story of facing the unknown tells us that it will prevail.
