Birds of a feather flock together
“How your friends are shaping your lives for better or for worse”
What we condition ourselves with and what we surround ourselves with has a powerful impact on how we think and how our lives work. There are many factors that lead to this conditioning. Of these conditions, the inclusion or exclusion of friends is the most important.
Most of the time we surround ourselves with “like people,” individuals who are similar to us in appearance, beliefs, and similar interests. Think of your five closest friends. Most likely, the main thing that unites the two of you are similar interests. Naturally, we see the benefits of our friends, but we don’t realize the traits that are really putting you down.
For example, when a friend of ours becomes obese, our probability increases by 57%. When this friend is mutual, the chance increases to 171%. This is according to a study conducted by the New England Journal of Medicine. The actions of our friends dictate what we think is socially acceptable or unacceptable. If it is acceptable for our friend to eat badly, we are too. In his book “Blink”, Malcomb Gladwell tells of a murder that took place in a busy urban neighborhood with a large number of witnesses. Not a single person made the effort to stop him. The reason? He argues that it is because no one else made an effort to do so. It was seen as the “normal” thing to do in the situation. Now on reflection, it was clearly not the right thing to do. But it is amazing how much our thoughts are conditioned.
Derrick Coleman, a number one pick in the 1990 NBA draft, was touted as a potential hall of fame player. He was compared to Charles Barkley and Karl Malone with the added dimension of an outdoor shooter game. Many, including Sports Illustrated, believed that he might have been the greatest power forward of all time. Despite a still moderately successful career, his teams tended to struggle, even often playing better without him. His career began in New Jersey, where he was constantly fighting with players and coaches. He was then traded to Philadelphia, where he continued to be a locker room cancer. In his first year with the Sixers, they won 18 games, their second-worst finish in franchise history. He then moved to the Hornets, where the team enjoyed limited success but underperformed and was below .500 when Derrick was in the lineup. For me, Derrick’s personality and hostility had a great impact on his teammates and on the success of the team.
But believing that influences can only be negative is simply false. The power of positive influence can be one of life’s greatest passions. Joe Jones, a community crusader in the Baltimore area, embodies this. Joe was once a drug addict and absent father, and is now the founder, owner, and CEO of a program called Responsible Fatherhood that gives men the support and tools they need to become better fathers. A recent study showed that 26% of American children live without a father. This surprised me, until I saw that 69% of African American children in the Baltimore area live without one. How can this happen? Joe Jones has asked the same question, but he is using his determination and positive influence to answer those questions and generate positive solutions. He has become an important figure in the lives of many young parents and shows daily that we can influence others to do the right things and live a better life.
I ask everyone who is reading this. Take the first step to improve your inner circle. If you have a friend who is making you depressed, evaluate the situation and whether or not they are in your plan of good friendships. Determine if it is best to remove that friend from your circle. Also, work to improve your circle by adding a different trusted or inspiring person.
