It can feel devastating when you’ve given so much of your adult life to your spouse and family and then one day it seems like your spouse is ready to throw away everything you’ve worked for. There are many unsavory factors associated with aging, but having a midlife spouse experience a midlife crisis and think you or your marriage is the problem can be maddening. It can seem like no matter what you do, he’s not sure he wants to stay with you, even though you haven’t done anything wrong and nothing has significantly changed, other than your spouse’s perception of life and what (or who). ) wants in it.
Someone might say, “I’ve been married to my husband for almost 25 years. We met when we were still kids. We’ve been through a lot together: finishing college, building our careers, having children, fighting disease, caring for our parents, and financial ups and downs. You name it and we’ve been through it together. I will say the last three years have been particularly challenging. We started a business together and things didn’t go as planned. We struggled a lot to keep the business going, but eventually, we just had to We didn’t want to lose everything in a sinking business. So letting this dream go was devastating for us. But after we sold, things settled down and it felt like a relief. Except my husband has gone a little crazy. Now that he doesn’t have the business taking up all his time, he’s decided he needs to take some time off and find himself. He’s going to be traveling a lot. I assumed he would at least part of this trip with him, but he told me that he wants to go completely alone and that he wants to assess what he wants from life. He also says that he can decide that he no longer wants our marriage. I am devastated by this and feel discarded. I swear there’s no one else, but I feel so betrayed. I have given this man so many years of my life and now he may not love me anymore? I have supported him through the good times and the bad. And now that we’re approaching the time in our lives where our kids are becoming less of a problem and hopefully we should get back on our feet financially and be able to enjoy life, does he suddenly want to run away? I’m not sure what to do about it. I know this is his life and he can make his own decisions, but it is our marriage. And it makes me feel horrible to be left out like this.”
I know how you feel. I, too, went through a marital separation at a time when I thought I was beyond the age to worry about it. But, life happens sometimes. I got over it. I am still married today. But my husband also went through some things that made our lives a little difficult for a while. Below, I will do my best to offer some tips that I found useful.
As much as you can, try to step back and imagine what you are feeling.: I am not justifying your husband’s behavior. But I think that once you can see things from her point of view, you can create the posture that will make things better and not worse. I say this from experience. My first response when my husband started complaining about being unhappy was to tell him that he was being self-centered and that he was crazy if he thought life was always sunshine and roses. But of course, when you have this kind of response, the unhappy person will get defensive and think that you don’t care about their dilemma. Instead, he tries to sympathize with the fact that he probably sees himself as a middle-aged man now having to recover from a huge financial hit. This situation would be stressful for anyone. He could be beating himself up for it. He could have hoped that he could be a better provider for his family. If you can see him fighting instead of selfish, this helps tremendously. This mindset allows you to be a little more empathetic and approachable, and that’s probably what he’s after a lot more than someone implying he’s wrong or suggesting he just get on his feet.
If he insists on taking the time, you do the same: Some men who are struggling in this way absolutely insist on having their space and will not be dissuaded from doing so. Sometimes you can try to compromise: you can offer to stay with friends while he gets ready. But not all men will accept this. So if he insists on traveling, moving or whatever he needs to do, he tries to use the time to his advantage. Men don’t find it attractive to wait for them to make a decision. Instead, you want to be actively working on yourself: seeing friends, going to therapy, pursuing your own hobbies, and staying busy. Her husband will probably notice and it is much better than just waiting or continuing to demand more from him when she is so resistant. I know it’s hard, but I promise you it makes time go by faster and improves their perception of you.
Keep communication positive: The truth is that many of these husbands finally find their way during their midlife crisis or struggles. Many just need time. Unfortunately, it’s so easy to argue, push, and argue during this time that our marriage is often damaged and the separation can drag on or even turn into a divorce if we don’t do it right. That is why I cannot stress enough how important it is to maintain positive and supportive communication. I know how difficult this request is. But I also know that when you argue, avoid each other, or have multiple misunderstandings, you’re less likely to get back together. The best thing to do is to reconnect during this. Some people do this through counseling and others simply maintain a supportive relationship until their husband’s difficulties pass. Once they do, you may need to examine your marriage for weaknesses at times, but it’s easier to do so once he’s in a better place. And at least you haven’t done any more damage being apart.
