1. Led Zeppelin – Stairway to Heaven
Sure, this song is amazing, a great band going through one of their best times, but in the piano bar, no one wants to sit through this for 8 minutes. Few musicians can sing it really well, and even if they did, it falls short without the flutes, guitars, and other instruments that make up this classic. Within a minute or 2 people will be yelling at the piano player “Stop! For GOD’S sake! STOP!”, or just walk away, either way this song is a knife to the heart of any party.
2. Meatloaf – Paradise by the Dashboard Light
Another song with a length problem. On the record, this song weaves its way through the story of a boy and a girl connecting and the emotions that go along with it. Sitting at the piano with a guy singing all the parts will test anyone’s patience. There isn’t too much good singing throughout the parts and after a minute or two you can see that people are starting to think about going to another bar. “I would do anything for love” is not better. Save the meatloaf for leftovers when you get home, not at the bar.
3. Chris de Burgh – Lady in Red
It really amazed me how often this cure for insomnia is requested. Slow, corny, boring, everything you don’t want when trying to throw a party.
4. Styx – Mr. Roboto
After the first “Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto” plays, no one gives a shit about this song. After that opening, there’s another 8 minutes of really boring shit to get through, and some players will play the whole thing, you don’t want that, nobody EVER wants that.
5. Radio’s latest “Top 40”
Hit songs aren’t what they used to be. When the songs were Top 40 hits in the ’70s, you couldn’t walk away from them, they were all over the media… all 3 of them. Now, with “stars” like Justin Bieber and billions of media outlets, it’s easy for people who aren’t in the Top 40 to ignore him. So you may wonder why a pianist doesn’t know a song because it’s “number 1” and therefore presumably popular, but that’s not the case. Only a small segment of people know or care about “hit” songs and few of them come to the bar at night. So you might think your favorite Ke$ha song is sure to rock the party, and chances are you’ll be mercilessly teased for asking such nonsense.
6. Billy Joel – Italian Restaurant Scenes
Some players will hate me and disagree with me on this choice, but I’ll keep it in the context of the bar. It’s long, mostly slow, no really good parts to sing along to, with a million other great Billy Joel songs at your disposal, it’s time to put this one down.
7. Right Said Fred – I’m Too Sexy
It’s a joke song that barely has a beat with a guy repeating “I’m too sexy for me…” This song is strictly for narcissistic idiots who think a song is sexy if it says so in the title, oh and they ALWAYS think that it is about them. Is not. And it’s just a bad song and a dumb idea.
8. Aqua – Barbie Girl
If you ask for this song and you really expect someone to play it, I have to question your sanity. Why would you want to inflict this hideous piece of garbage on an audience of people you don’t even know? The rare piece of music that has absolutely no redeeming qualities. It’s not fun. Its not cute. Not kitsch. It is not good in any way or in any context. You might laugh at the title, that’s all.
9. The latest rap songs
There’s so much rap and hip hop out there these days that it’s as disposable as toilet paper. This week’s big rap song is something no one remembers or cares about next week. Also, honestly, get a clue, we’re sitting at pianos, not turntables. Most of the newer rap shit has little more than a drum loop and a guy rambling about irrelevant shit. The audience won’t understand 90% of what a player says and 100% won’t give a shit if it’s newer rap. Stick with the classic stuff.
10. Comedian Songs
Do you ever have a friend tell a joke and make the whole room laugh, but when you tell the same joke, no one laughs? Senses of humor are all different and jokes are very delicate things in the wrong hands. A song on an Adam Sandler album isn’t so much a song as it is a comedic performance, and if a player wants the audience to laugh, he must have the same sense of humor and perform the routine in exactly the same way. More often than not, the songs completely flop because out of the hands of the comedians who wrote them, the songs just aren’t that funny. Also, musicians usually like it when people cover their songs, comedians HATE it when you steal their stuff, so it’s also professional courtesy not to do comedian songs.
