We’ve all had experiences where a person we thought we knew suddenly turned on us in anger. Scared by the attack, we ask ourselves: “What have I done to make this person so angry?” Anger and rage are different. Anger focuses on specific issues. Anger has an ending and often a justifiable reason. Anger has a different quality and strength. Anger comes from deep within a person. It is rooted in the core of the personality. We often observe a volcanic rage in the narcissist. The narcissist is a person who has a serious personality disorder characterized by a sense of grandiosity, superiority, self-reliance, manipulation, deception, and a lack of empathy.
The highly successful narcissist appears to be a very confident, self-righteous, and self-assured individual. He is often socially adept and can be very persuasive. He has a special way of drawing people to him. This is the mask that he (or she) so convincingly presents to the world. Often times, his audience responds with praise, flattery, and monetary rewards that the narcissist seeks steadfastly to demonstrate just how perfect and powerful he is.
There is a dark side to the narcissistic personality that shows up when you get angry, when people don’t comply with your unreasonable demands. Beneath the surface of his attractive outer shell, the narcissist is always in a rage. Narcissistic rage begins in early childhood. A classic theme is that of a parent or parents who are focused on creating a perfect child. Instead of allowing the child to be his natural and spontaneous self, they impose on him a false self. They give you the impression that you are superior to others, that you cannot do anything wrong, that you can treat others without respect, and that your destructive and cruel behavior is without consequences. At the base of the narcissistic rage is the unconscious feeling that he was never loved for being himself, but simply for the attributes his parents saw in him: physical attractiveness, intellectual ability, athletic prowess, artistic talent. He has been exploited by his parents to make them feel more powerful and worthy.
The unconscious source of narcissistic rage is self-hatred. When the narcissist fumes like Vesuvius and the smoke turns into explosive flames, the molten lava of his bottomless rage covers everything in its path. There are several ways to protect yourself from narcissistic anger. First, learn to identify the narcissistic personalities in your life. Second, maintain self-respect and discriminate that you are a unique individual separate from the narcissist (even if you are married to one). Third, be clearly aware that the withering narcissist is using a defense mechanism called projection. He can’t contain the horrible way he feels about himself, so he projects this poison onto others, especially those around him. Always remember, it’s not about you. Stay empowered, stay as calm as you can, and keep an emotional distance and a psychological basis on the truth.
