Sometimes I hear from women who deeply regret having cheated on the man they love. Not only do they know that it was a big mistake, but they fear that because of this mistake, he will never feel comfortable marrying them.
You might hear a comment like: “Last fall, I went abroad for a semester. I had my reservations about leaving my boyfriend, but this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and he encouraged me to go, so I did. . We have been together for three and a half years. I love him very much. I am very close to his mother and sisters. I anticipated that we would get married once we both graduated with our master’s degrees. Unfortunately, I did something very stupid. I was in it. foreigner, I started flirting with one of my classmates. I stayed with this guy’s family while I was there. And even though we didn’t sleep together, we kissed and definitely had a relationship. I never intended to leave my boyfriend from this other boy. And I always knew our relationship would end once I went back to school. I got so caught up in the other culture. I felt so free there. I hardly even felt like myself. Another guy texted me on another day. Sun or a friendly text message. But my boyfriend saw it and casually asked who the other guy was. It wasn’t even an accusation. But I started to sob. And it all spilled out. My boyfriend was devastated and told me that he was going to ask me to marry him on my birthday, which is only a couple of months away. But he said now I’ve screwed it all up. As if this cheating wasn’t bad enough, I was finally going to get what I’ve been waiting for so long: a proposal. And now I feel like I’ll never get it. Even on the off chance that he might ever forgive me, which I doubt, I don’t think he can marry someone with such a lack of integrity. Also, if his mother found out about this, I’m sure she would break all contact with me and ask her son to do the same. My heart is broken. I don’t know what happened to me, but I do know that I love my boyfriend and that if he gave me the opportunity, he would make a good wife. Is there any way that I ever change my mind? “
Well, I can’t predict what someone might do. It is understandable that you feel hurt and hesitant. If the roles were reversed, you might understand how devastated you would feel and how it might make you feel insecure in the future. Because that’s one of the biggest challenges you face: restoring trust. People who have been deceived tend to believe that it could happen again. And that is why they are always a little suspicious, even if they really love the other person and want to believe that they will never cheat again.
So that will be your challenge: show him, probably over time, that you will never cheat again. You could try to point out that you were never unfaithful in all the years that you were dating. You can try to explain what the circumstances and the once-in-a-lifetime experience were, but I doubt he fully understands it. The point is, couples overcome traps. And people who cheat once sometimes never do it again. To make him believe that this is so, you must be open to everything he needs from you to make him feel safe. This could include not dating again for long periods of time, at least for a while. It also likely means that, for a long time, he will distrust you until enough time has passed for him to believe in you again.
But this does not mean that it never will. Some people choose to take risks and trust. And this is especially true if you’ve proven trustworthy after the dust has settled a bit. Understand that you will have to be honest and direct about everything. You never want to give him a reason to distrust you.
As for his mother, he may not decide to tell her. Honestly, it’s nobody’s business but yours. If he decides to tell her, then you will need to regain his trust in the same way that you will regain his: by behaving with integrity and showing him that you can and will be a loving and loyal girlfriend who enhances his life.
Once you’ve gradually restored trust and demonstrated to him that you are the type of woman any man would want to worry about, then you can worry about commitment, but I wouldn’t focus on committing until then.