Is your spouse a negative person? Does he or she constantly focus on what is wrong with you and the marriage while overlooking the many positives?
If so, it’s also quite possible that your spouse is simply a negatively oriented person about most things: work, marriage, other people, the future, and life in general. Perhaps as time goes by, your spouse becomes even more negative, critical, and complaining.
When I first spoke to “Leigh” (not her real name), she was ready to leave her marriage due to her husband’s constant negativity. “Al” was a master at finding fault with Leigh’s decisions and suggestions. He had a sharp wit and could give zingers without flinching.
If Leigh suggested a picnic, Al responded with complaints about the dangers of fire ants, killer bees, and sudden thunderstorms. Every time she made a suggestion, Al talked about what was wrong with the idea and why it wouldn’t work.
If she agreed to go along with one of Leigh’s ideas or suggestions, she would always expect the worst or talk about the negatives. Also, Al was very critical.
The restaurant they tried was “too expensive”, the dinner conversation with friends was “too boring”, the movie was “too long”, the weekend camping trip was “too much work”, a gift from a family member was “stingy,” and the people in the church they visited were “hypocrites.” His boss is “an idiot”, his job “sucks”, and his life is “the pits”.
Since a negative attitude is highly contagious, it was a challenge for Leigh to be around Al and not lose her normally positive orientation. She often felt drained and discouraged after her interactions with Al. When she realized that he was becoming more negative as she got older and that she was beginning to resent her attitude, she consulted with me.
Eight steps to overcome negativity
If you’re in the same situation, married to a spouse with a negative attitude, I’d give you the same advice I gave Leigh. This is what you can do:
one. Deliberately cultivate friendships with other people and couples who have positive attitudes and who are fun to be around. Try to expand your and your spouse’s circle of friends to include couples who would be good role models for your spouse, and spend time with those couples.
Reduce the time you spend with friends who encourage your spouse’s negative comments and attitude, and gradually try to add people and partners who are strong positive influences.
two. Make sure you have friends, activities, hobbies, and interests in your life that “feed your soul” and help keep you on a positive path. If things in your marriage are not what you want them to be, then you need to find fulfillment and joy in other areas to stay centered and emotionally balanced.
Listen to inspiring songs and read inspiring books. “Feed” with a diet of positive messages that encourage and motivate you.
3. Monitor your mood to make sure you don’t get caught up in what are commonly known as “codependency” issues. That’s when you let your mood be determined and set by someone else.
An example would be if you were depressed all day because your spouse was in a bad mood at breakfast. Just because you’re depressed doesn’t mean you can’t have a nice day. You don’t have to let your partner’s mood determine your mood or ruin your day.
Don’t give away your personal power. Take responsibility for creating your own happiness instead of being so influenced by your spouse’s negative attitude.
Four. Keep a gratitude journal in which you write down the things you are grateful for each day. Get in the habit of sharing with your spouse the things you are grateful for. At dinner, for example, you can talk about how helpful the grocery store clerk was or a favor an appreciative co-worker did for you.
If you are grateful to see a beautiful bird or a beautiful flowering tree, share your feelings. If you feel blessed by the kindness of a friend, share it. Even if what you say doesn’t impact your partner, you need to listen to yourself expressing gratitude and appreciation for the gifts you’ve been given. This helps you stay focused on what is right in your life instead of what is wrong.
5. Try not to judge your spouse or make him or her “wrong” for being so negative. Many factors can influence a person’s attitudes: the attitudes they learned from their parents, their experiences growing up, low self-esteem, intense stress, clinical depression, a habit of negative self-talk, disappointments and discouragement about life, and lack of hope
Sometimes people who are negative think they are being “realistic” or helpful by “calling things by their proper name.” Others may think they are witty for making witty comments and criticisms.
6. Schedule a time to talk with your partner about your concerns. Without sounding critical or preachy, give some specific examples of how her (or his) negativity has significantly impacted you. Maybe her spouse doesn’t even realize how negative she’s become, or maybe she’s feeling down and needs to talk to her doctor or a counselor.
If your spouse reacts with anger, stay calm and don’t get defensive. He indicates that he would rather share his feelings now than have them fester underground and cause even more trouble later.
7. If nothing changes after talking with your spouse, write them a letter describing your feelings and concerns about their reactions to your negative attitude. Indicate that you want to look forward to your interactions and time with him, but are afraid that the constant negativity will eventually affect your feelings.
In the letter, tell your spouse how much you value him and your marriage and that you love him dearly. Ask your spouse to come with you to marriage counseling so your marriage stays strong and fulfilling for both of you.
8. If your spouse isn’t willing to address the problem by talking with you or going to therapy, make an appointment to see a counselor on your own. You will need support and help in determining what the next step should be: try again to communicate verbally or in writing, or try to adjust and live with things as they are, or in an extreme case, consider a temporary marriage. separation.
You will need a deep commitment to staying positive and optimistic in order to withstand strong negativity in your marriage relationship. However, the encouraging news is that, according to Robert H. Schuller, “When given the opportunity to survive and thrive, it only takes one positive thought to defeat an entire army of negative thoughts.”
